when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
