Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
