I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
