you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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