6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
