I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
