areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
