I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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