You can't motorboat a personality
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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