So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
