I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
