He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
