My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
