I looked at my own cervix.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
