If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
