i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
