i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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