im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
