We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
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I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
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last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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