I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
