Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
