my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
