So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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