Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
