so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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