Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
