That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
