How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
