cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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