so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
