Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
