is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
