I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
