my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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