If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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