Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
