i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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