the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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