just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
