The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
