Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
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Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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