You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
