Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
