Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
