I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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