No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
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We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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