I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
