my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
