I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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