How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
