its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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