Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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