New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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